Reading "Fucking Trans Women" by Mira Bellwether in 2018 changed my life. Having nullifcation surgery in 2021 also changed my life but in an infinitely more complicated way.

When I made that decision I hadn't gone to therapy for the sexual trauma of my childhood, and I hadn't yet met other trans women.

Once I did both of those things my framing of myself and my relationship to the decision I made changed. I found myself unmoored. The way my anatomy related to my gender, the way my gender related to others, my relationship to transfemininity as a whole needed some serious exploration.

Fortunately now, in part because of this work, I've done a lot of that necessary recontextualization.

I wrote this for a partner of mine. Some people find my anatomy more intuitive than others, and I don't want that to be a barrier to entry! Everyone should be allowed to have fun! What follows is part user manual, and part erotica!

I've only met 2 other girls who have my anatomy, being nullfems (as one calls it. I don't necessarily relate to that term) themselves, they've provided a little input to this AND seem into the idea of writing their own!

This is hardly an extensive document of the overall experience. Not covered here is the healing process, or my relationship to this re: my gender. I may make sections on that experience over time!

Basically in addition to a pretty straight forward orchiectomy, they also removed my phallus as close to the base as possible except for the tissues used to create a clitoris during a more binary vaginoplasty.

This bundle was placed near the bottom and front of my pelvic bone and then all of me was stitched up over that.

This left a scar, a sub-dermal erogenous nerve cluster, and a urethral opening facing downward where the base of where my phallus was removed from that remains surrounded by a small amount of erectile tissue.

I feel like most people assume it functions more like a pussy and that’s not an unreasonable assumption- much of the way my scar or doll-parts will be interacted with- on the surface- is similar in that way.

However when visualizing how it functions under the surface and how to interact with it- it is more useful to visualize what’s going on down there as a few structures remaining from when a phallus and testes were removed.

The terms I’ve used are simply my scar in casual contexts, intimately it can be called my doll parts because it’s cute.

Sometimes more colloquially I call it my “weird junk” but that’s a me thing.

One term I’ve tried to make work is my seam, as in like where I’m stitched together, and it hasn’t stuck yet.

I feel like its more an intimate term but whereas doll parts is more vulgar, “my seam” is more coy?

So the intention of my surgery wasn’t kink but it has been an interesting side effect. It plays into pet play, degradation, denial, free use, intersecting with castration fantasies therein.

The idea of someone wanting me castrated so as to be a better pet, or more functional sex slave, or as their medical experiment, or the perfect fuckable stuffed animal- drives me crazy.

The idea that I’ve been successfully modified for someone's preference is very erotic to me. I’ve had sex dreams that are mostly just someone saying to me “I love how fundamentally I’ve changed you. That I’ve foundationally changed how you interact with sex and made you so much more submissive and easy to control. You live to serve me now”

This is why it’s useful to think of my genitals as in that jar. Its this fine line between the fact that my surgery both made something new on my body to interact with but also removed something from me.

This is up to you. I think this informs the context of my role as a submissive/bottom and the nature of how you dominate me. It informs your toolkit and informs the content of dirty talk and submission.

I’ve been called a ‘neutered princess’ while getting railed and it makes me absolutely melt.

Above is a diagram I created myself from a diagram of a post vaginoplasty Trans woman. Below is an anatomy diagram the aforementioned friends doctor made for her.

The top circle outlines where my pseudo-clit is approximately. Note the shadow under it visible. It sticks out a little and you can feel it beneath the skin.

The bottom circle is the knot of erectile tissue around my urethral opening. Note that on following picture it’s more prominent as I’m aroused.

BETWEEN these two structures is an interesting space. Because both of these structures used to be the same thing, (a penis) but aren’t now- there’s this space in between where these parts were separated.

This space is basically numb but that doesn’t mean ignore it! Because it doesn’t feel like original parts, stimulation there is very much a pleasant head-fuck!

• Intended

• Clit / “Psuedo-clitoral Sensate”

• STRUCTURE:

  this is the most obvious of sorts second to the scar itself. Much of the interaction with this is pretty similar to any other clit. Generally when masturbating I will rub it with my hand or grind on something, namely a pillow or a stuffed animal, or perhaps your thigh. My pseudo clit can be found just up from the halfway mark between the top of my scar and my urethral opening. It’s a little bundle of flesh smaller than a prostate under the skin anchored to the pelvis. The skin on the surface where my scar is can move pretty freely over the top of the bundle, which can be used to insulate the pesudo-clit from too much pressure/friction when using ur hands in much the same way that a foreskin and clitoral hood will protect the glans and clit.

• CAUTION:

  that this structure is mired in scar tissue and can get fatigued from too much stimulation. It’s like the scar tissue is connected to the nerve bundle and it feels like that scar tissue can pull a little too much on that surface and start to hurt and feel stingy.

• INTERACTION:

  as stated, using pressure on the surface skin and its ability to soften contact is ideal, but there’s enough else going on here that you can almost ignore the thing most of the time and just use it as a finisher or in combination with something else. I’ll expand upon this later- but ignoring it makes it feel the MOST like I don’t have a penis anymore and that plays into the head game which is key for the kink portion.

• Unintended or Eroticism Through Trauma

• Flat Empty Space

• STRUCTURE:

  This is the flat space around my inner thighs at the top, my pubic mound, and up between my legs.

• CAUTION:

  Basically none, this area is all pretty comfortable with interaction as it’s the structures that occupy this landscape that are usually the ones being interacted with

• INTERACTION:

  Tease me and deprive me. Gently draw your hands over top of this, brushing ever so slightly the surface of my skin careful not to press deep enough to stimulate anything under the surface- make me aware of the emptiness in me. Make me need more but be unable to find it because its all been taken from me.

• Inguinal Canal

• STRUCTURE:

  You've read Fucking Trans Women, you know what these are.

• CAUTION:

  Due to the orchiectomy portion I cannot access these anymore, so muffing doesn’t really work anymore but they’re still there, in the way that my testes aren’t.

• INTERACTION:

  Not a LOT except for liking pressure on them amidst the other things. It again highlights an absence of something which is highly stimulating.

• Erectile Tissue / Root

• STRUCTURE:

  This is the remnant of my phallus from where it was removed. Where it was freed from my body and I was left castrated. More literally It is the remaining erectile tissue around my urethral opening. It still gets a little hard when I’m aroused. FWIW, it’s probably the part of the new anatomy that I’m most aesthetically insecure about.

• CAUTION:

  This is also a spot with a significant amount of scar tissue and can get very tense after continued pressure/friction, but is sometimes more worth it than my pseudo clit. Additionally my urethral opening isn’t “supposed” to terminate there per se, so that can get pulled in either direction and hurt a little. Pushing the skin on either side together a little before pressing/rubbing will prevent too much pulling on the urethral opening. Also you’ll want to use sort of the flat of your fingers/the pads of your fingers, and not so much the tips, you’re trying to apply pressure across a surface, not push something in!

• INTERACTION:

  Touch me there and remind me what was taken from me. Put pressure there to find any of the remaining sensation in what’s left in this twisted combination of denial and fulfillment; pressing rapidly is reminiscent of still being able to penetrate something in a surreal head-fuck. Attention here is almost more worth it than my clit.

• Scar

• STRUCTURE:

  This is where I was stitched back together! Pretty self explanatory. Pretty dense scar tissue.

• CAUTION:

  Very little- however after an especially long amount of interaction the surface of the scar tissue can get raw but this takes a while.

• INTERACTION:

  Bite me, grab me, scratch me, kiss me, lick me, give me all of it here. I’m numb from the cutting and sewing, but your warmth and your need shines through and I feel it all. Idly touch my scar to fidget with while doing something else. A subtle reminder of how I’ve been changed for the enjoyment of another, and an expression of ownership over me. Grabbing my loose skin over my scar makes me melt and squeal.

For reference to tie it together, This pic is how I usually touch myself when I’m just masturbating. The first knuckles of those middle fingers pushing on the root- and the top of my palm pressing on my clit. Those two together feel good and get the job done but no one but me has ever made me cum that way so don’t count on it.

• The ONLY way anyone else has ever made me cum from playing with my doll parts is from eating me out! So...

• I very well might cum, but don’t ask me if I’m going to cause it makes me panic! UwU

• General things that feel good!

• Gently but firmly shove your thigh between my legs for me to grind on

• Grab the skin/my scar and tell me I'm a good pet!

• Play with the raised skin of my scar while we watch a movie!

• Press on my root!

• Remember that this is not the only way to make me feel good! Much of my body is a just as good if not more responsive erogenous zone than my scar is! Use denial to your advantage! Let me get needy!

• Arousal looks different for me! It’s also worth noting that generally sensation will feel different if my genitals are in aroused state vs not, just like any other genitals, but similar to a vagina, that looks different for me than if I had a penis! One indicator is the knot of erectile tissue around my urethra does get tense and swell a little, but mostly you’ll just be reading my vibe.

bonus notes. Eating Out Nothing I CAN be eaten out! Imagine that! Suck on my thighs! Bite, lick, and suck on my scar or over my clit, but what really gets me off is when someone licks or sucks on or presses their tongue into the knot of tissue around my urethral opening, and gently tongues the hole while I play with my clit. I WILL cum and it WILL be messy and its gonna get all over your face uwu

Have fun! Don’t be afraid to try something outside of what’s here! We may discover something new! I didn’t know I could cum from oral until someone tried it! Thank you for reading and I’m excited to go on this journey with you!

• Another perspective: I read this before I had my surgery and helped inform my decision.
• beesbuzz.biz
• This is my friend mentioned in the intro! We met on bluesky and their input helped inform this document! The other diagram is also theirs. She ate her own dick, and documented that process! Warning! NSFL!
• vvn.dev
• If you happened across a physical copy of this first, my Neocities where this and my zines are hosted can be found here!
• NeoGenitals-Evangelion
• Another perspective: written by a mutual on both bsky and tumblr
• Lets Touch Scars